I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
