Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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