So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
