I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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