I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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