we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
