the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
