Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize