i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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