I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
