Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
