While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
