I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
