Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
