and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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