when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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