i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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