addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
