I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
