i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
