So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize