i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
