If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
