I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
did i walk over a car last night?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
40s are totally the cure
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
