Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
