i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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