Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
