I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Green mimosas i think yes
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
