I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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