I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
