I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
