i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
