but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize