I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
