"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
