When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
