Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize