I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
