Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
