she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
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