He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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