Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
