Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
