Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize