I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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