I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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