she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize