I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize