I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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