i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize