every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
