Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
