I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
