Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
