I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
