I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
no you cant smoke seaweed
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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