There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize