I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
