I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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