Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I supernannyed him into submission
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize