im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
