i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
