Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Drunk is not a location!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
