I can tuck mytits in my pants
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
