I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize