that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
