Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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